Sometimes I feel like I need someone to pinch me. I had a short dream the other night that I woke up (in the dream) and was back in the U.S. somewhere familiar as if the last 5 years hadn’t passed. I remember in the dream that I said to myself, “I just knew it was a dream!” What is so strange about the place I currently live is the lack of people like me- young (ish), not married but with someone, certainly not a virgin since at least the age of 20, maybe living in sin, no kids (yet), working full time, literate in the English language, American or at the least British or at least some kind of European with a sense of humor. It’s a wasteland. It’s a bit like being back in the village in rural Northeast Thailand where hot weather would render everyone useless (but here it's a glut of money that makes people useless)- I spent 2 weeks lying beneath a fan on a tile floor eating nothing but mangoes, drinking water and reading Henry Kissinger’s Diplomacy - except this country has some modern trappings like a movie theater, shopping malls, fancy restaurants- that don’t seem to make a difference in the lack of variety. This could be because the movies are cut to shreds by censors in the Ministry of Interior, malls are all the same with little variety, and there is no wine on the menus. I am certainly describing a redundancy of existence that few other places could match.
Does this mean I have, myself, grown boring and redundant? I hope not and, oh dear, must do something soon! My mother suggested I start a book club. This idea is sound, very sound, indeed. The lack of bookstores, however, as well as people who read, is discouraging to she who is looking to be discouraged (yes, that is me). If I am not looking to be discouraged I would go to the one bookstore I know of and snatch up some extra copies of some Victorian novel (which I know they have in abundance) and start passing them out. Or I would consider just sending out an email to my fellow employees and seeing who’s interested…yes, maybe that’s the way to get a diverse group of people together. Anything to break the monotony that numbs me into laziness.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Normal
What is normal?
I always thought it was an insult. I thought it meant boring, uninteresting, bland. If a person was "normal" then they have a "normal" job, a "normal" life trajectory, etc.
When I first moved to Germany, I had a friend I respected very much for being who she was. One day, she said to me, as we were discussing life and more philosophical matters, "Ich bin ein normaler Mensch." She just stated it with some consigned feeling of acceptance and even contentment or pride...pride in simply knowing what she was. I remember thinking that I was shocked that she said it with such apparent apathy. I thought, perhaps it means something different in German.
But, no. I means that she thinks she is just simply a "normal person". And that's fine and good.
I always avoided consigning myself to any category, trying to avoid limiting my actions, my thoughts, dreams, potential for anything. However, I start to wonder if maybe life would be easier (and happier) if I just accepted a few "facts" or details that seem to stick hard and fast to me.
I also have a "problem" with wanting to be many things (thus, the avoidance of category placement) and sometimes it is a psychological strain to simply keep trying or thinking in a way that brings me into some discovered self or brings me to maintain how special or interesting I may be.
I am tired.
That's another topic, but the topic of being "normal" is what I want to think about.
I want to concentrate for longer than 5 minutes on it. And I was able to do that while running yesterday (an hour in the forest).
As Deleuze states, we are always in the process of "becoming", of becoming woman, white, heterosexual, middle class. But, then we also have a collision with other knowledge, other ways of "being" and "becoming" that challenge us. Other philosophers (cited so often in my area of study) go on to talk about performing and performativity.
Where does performing begin and "real" activity, some might say, "honest" activity or truth begin?
My problem is that I believe in these philosophies. I believe that we all perform most of the time; We all have "situated" knowledge that is our capsule that is our source of education or indoctrination, or our "becoming"...
How can the two be thought of for me?
I want to always "become" - it's not about "development" or progress. It's experience and challenge.
Perhaps, that is "normal".
I always thought it was an insult. I thought it meant boring, uninteresting, bland. If a person was "normal" then they have a "normal" job, a "normal" life trajectory, etc.
When I first moved to Germany, I had a friend I respected very much for being who she was. One day, she said to me, as we were discussing life and more philosophical matters, "Ich bin ein normaler Mensch." She just stated it with some consigned feeling of acceptance and even contentment or pride...pride in simply knowing what she was. I remember thinking that I was shocked that she said it with such apparent apathy. I thought, perhaps it means something different in German.
But, no. I means that she thinks she is just simply a "normal person". And that's fine and good.
I always avoided consigning myself to any category, trying to avoid limiting my actions, my thoughts, dreams, potential for anything. However, I start to wonder if maybe life would be easier (and happier) if I just accepted a few "facts" or details that seem to stick hard and fast to me.
I also have a "problem" with wanting to be many things (thus, the avoidance of category placement) and sometimes it is a psychological strain to simply keep trying or thinking in a way that brings me into some discovered self or brings me to maintain how special or interesting I may be.
I am tired.
That's another topic, but the topic of being "normal" is what I want to think about.
I want to concentrate for longer than 5 minutes on it. And I was able to do that while running yesterday (an hour in the forest).
As Deleuze states, we are always in the process of "becoming", of becoming woman, white, heterosexual, middle class. But, then we also have a collision with other knowledge, other ways of "being" and "becoming" that challenge us. Other philosophers (cited so often in my area of study) go on to talk about performing and performativity.
Where does performing begin and "real" activity, some might say, "honest" activity or truth begin?
My problem is that I believe in these philosophies. I believe that we all perform most of the time; We all have "situated" knowledge that is our capsule that is our source of education or indoctrination, or our "becoming"...
How can the two be thought of for me?
I want to always "become" - it's not about "development" or progress. It's experience and challenge.
Perhaps, that is "normal".
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