The other night my partner told me he loved me for the first time since we started our relationship 11 months ago. It got me thinking how, had it been 5 years ago, my ego might not have put up with waiting for nearly a year as it thankfully did! I was so proud of myself for putting my faith in him and in my ability to be patient and love him without succumbing to short-sighted expectations.
We were watching the royal wedding the other night and I'm not a royal enthusiast by any means, but I was struck by the words of the Bishop of London:
A spiritual life grows as love finds its centre beyond ourselves. Faithful and committed relationships offer a door into the mystery of spiritual life in which we discover this; the more we give of self, the richer we become in soul; the more we go beyond ourselves in love, the more we become our true selves and our spiritual beauty is more fully revealed. In marriage we are seeking to bring one another into fuller life.
Again, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but it rings true to me that a committed, physical and spiritual union between two people who have full trust and respect is the most powerful way to become fully self-actualized. But it's not enough just to say you love or to marry someone- you have to really believe and want to believe in the love you have with this person and have it tested over and over again.
I fully believe in the love I share with my partner, who I will call Ulster. It grew out of a very painful experience- an emotionally scarring break-up with a man not suited to me in age, personality or drinking. My friendship with Ulster was part of what persuaded me to take the final step to end the relationship with my ex because Ulster was such a man!! He was so kind, adorable and a good listener with a feistiness and sense of humor that kind of immediately convinced me that I would never find him dull in the least.
And I haven't. Actually, his presence (his voice, his smell, his hands) is like a cure and he's firmly implanted into me like a strong, comforting, and exquisite memory (kind of like the ones Jenius wrote about from childhood). I look back on the torture that that breakup caused me and the patience Ulster showed me and I just feel so blessed! I had to get through that heartbreaking and cruel shit in order to thrive. I prayed that Ulster would stick with me long enough to know whether we might make it and he did so much more.
So...Love... That's kind of it for me- the root of happiness is love. It's the knowledge that you are loved and that you CAN love someone in return. We're just people for goodness sakes.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
remembering happiness in different forms
There is the joy and the pain, these two words I use in with the formulation of joy of love, of kindness, newness, excitement and openness. And Pain. Pain is of the promises entered into unawares of the outcome, and simply accepting that the outcome was unknowable. Pain is realization. And joy is overcoming.
We can all hope for something meaningful… meaningful that we can hold up as evidence to others or, most importantly, for ourselves, and say, “Look, I am loved. I have a partner devoted.”
The closeness which we may feel with others really determines how truthful we are to ourselves and what we choose to reveal and to heighten and recognize. This is the truth.
In the presence of strangers, I have had the best epiphanies. But, it’s been awhile since I have placed myself so completely among strangers in a way that led to some abandon. Or is it abandon? It is frank openness, although I am also too prone to styling myself, to being opaque and not being
I do not like this.
I want it.
That is one element-the unexpected, the openness, the newness-that one needs in life to be inspired and to keep on living…
We can all hope for something meaningful… meaningful that we can hold up as evidence to others or, most importantly, for ourselves, and say, “Look, I am loved. I have a partner devoted.”
The closeness which we may feel with others really determines how truthful we are to ourselves and what we choose to reveal and to heighten and recognize. This is the truth.
In the presence of strangers, I have had the best epiphanies. But, it’s been awhile since I have placed myself so completely among strangers in a way that led to some abandon. Or is it abandon? It is frank openness, although I am also too prone to styling myself, to being opaque and not being
I do not like this.
I want it.
That is one element-the unexpected, the openness, the newness-that one needs in life to be inspired and to keep on living…
happiness as memory
Boston “More Than a Feeling” Pizza Hut mid 80’s
Video games- racing game where you could sit and had a black plastic steering wheel between your childish legs.
That massive set of large video game consoles that used to pepper public family restaurants and bars in the 80’s (not that I would be so familiar, the smell of Pizza Hut will take me back there…) Packman, Packwoman
Dark, wood paneled (fake wood), a Budweiser beer ad in neon, but the smell…
Christmas lights draped around the ceiling or somewhere around –just a general clutter of STUFF that certain American chains now do so well.
Pizza Hut gingham red and white table clothes
Video games- racing game where you could sit and had a black plastic steering wheel between your childish legs.
That massive set of large video game consoles that used to pepper public family restaurants and bars in the 80’s (not that I would be so familiar, the smell of Pizza Hut will take me back there…) Packman, Packwoman
Dark, wood paneled (fake wood), a Budweiser beer ad in neon, but the smell…
Christmas lights draped around the ceiling or somewhere around –just a general clutter of STUFF that certain American chains now do so well.
Pizza Hut gingham red and white table clothes
Pursuing Love
My boyfriend of about a year just asked me to move in with him. I felt, well, thrilled that we are moving in that direction (we already spend every night together at each others apartments). We would be moving into mine if it had the view of the skyline, a BBQ and pool. Anyway, in the past, I have been very reluctant to live with a boyfriend. Call me old-fashioned but I just didn't feel comfortable doing it unless I was engaged/ married. This has mostly to do with personal space issues of which I have my share.
I grew up in a house with a brother and sister and all of us had our own rooms which my dad and mom and their frugal habits deserve all the credit for. As a result, I need my alone time and plenty of design authority over my environment. Now, I certainly can't predict how this will go but my boyfriend's apartment is small and though I don't have too much stuff, it will be enough to really make the place COZY. Perhaps, too cozy. If I move in with him, will I get my space, my alone time, my choice of sheets and wall hangings, etc.?
We'll have to see. I decided right then when he asked that, yes, I would move in with him and am eager to merge our spaces.
My sister asks me, "Do you really want to give up your own space?" She says my apartment has better feng shui. I do prefer the design of my apartment, it's bigger, more spacious. However, it's also a bigger and more spacious pain in the ass. I've done this pros and cons thing before (better shower pressure, larger TV, digital satellite service) and, in the end, I have to go with my gut.
We'll have to set down some rules like you have to rinse your dirty dishes, always! We have to clean equally and maintain a level of cleanliness his bachelor ways are not accustomed to. We will have to take down a bunch of things in the apartment and redesign it.
Try, try, try.
I grew up in a house with a brother and sister and all of us had our own rooms which my dad and mom and their frugal habits deserve all the credit for. As a result, I need my alone time and plenty of design authority over my environment. Now, I certainly can't predict how this will go but my boyfriend's apartment is small and though I don't have too much stuff, it will be enough to really make the place COZY. Perhaps, too cozy. If I move in with him, will I get my space, my alone time, my choice of sheets and wall hangings, etc.?
We'll have to see. I decided right then when he asked that, yes, I would move in with him and am eager to merge our spaces.
My sister asks me, "Do you really want to give up your own space?" She says my apartment has better feng shui. I do prefer the design of my apartment, it's bigger, more spacious. However, it's also a bigger and more spacious pain in the ass. I've done this pros and cons thing before (better shower pressure, larger TV, digital satellite service) and, in the end, I have to go with my gut.
We'll have to set down some rules like you have to rinse your dirty dishes, always! We have to clean equally and maintain a level of cleanliness his bachelor ways are not accustomed to. We will have to take down a bunch of things in the apartment and redesign it.
Try, try, try.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
In Hot Pursuit
It is a rare thing for me these days to actually sit down and think about the overall meaning of what I’ve accomplished as well as the direction in which I’m headed. Perhaps it’s a testament to how hard I’m working and using up my brainpower to serve this company.
I googled “happiness” today. It was after a day which started off as an elongated sleep till about 10 am, a dusty walk to work for 10 minutes, an interesting discussion with a Texas oil man in Afghanistan, and numerous conversations with colleagues who bring me positive feelings of acceptance and encouragement.
Given the numerous definitions of happiness, it is expected that I shouldn’t be able to find satisfaction with any one of the supposed sources. However, there is one definition which seems to ring particularly true for me which is the one that says happiness comes from service to a cause, an institution, another person, and I think that for me this has been particularly true.
It was Eleanor Roosevelt who said it, stated conviction about service to others. I'm not likely to achieve her accolades, but I am a woman of strong conviction and tender heart.
There is nothing sexy about "serving" something or someone. I go in day after day to this office where the rewards are pretty few in number. The owners are cheap as hell, and serious racism, nationalism and other stupid 'isms keep me from taking the whole thing 100% seriously. To be honest, I have always worked in a 75% capacity at a job. I have 100% days, sure, but overall I lack motivation to dig in and aim for the 100%+ that fools banter about. This is easy to explain- I'm not paid enough and half the time the people who need to listen are not or they do and then get annoyed at my "wet blanket" attitude. This is what happens when your role in the organization is to tell everyone about the endless list of things that could go wrong. Call it what you will, but I am SERVING this company with all my eagerness.
I still believe that one of the most challenging ways to show love is to tell someone something they don't want to hear. And then to sit there and argue about it with them for a year or so. That takes guts and a thick skin.
If you're hanging around at work and doubting your significance in the universe, continue to do so. It's one of the main things that keeps me motivated. That, and the love and respect of my boyfriend.
I googled “happiness” today. It was after a day which started off as an elongated sleep till about 10 am, a dusty walk to work for 10 minutes, an interesting discussion with a Texas oil man in Afghanistan, and numerous conversations with colleagues who bring me positive feelings of acceptance and encouragement.
Given the numerous definitions of happiness, it is expected that I shouldn’t be able to find satisfaction with any one of the supposed sources. However, there is one definition which seems to ring particularly true for me which is the one that says happiness comes from service to a cause, an institution, another person, and I think that for me this has been particularly true.
It was Eleanor Roosevelt who said it, stated conviction about service to others. I'm not likely to achieve her accolades, but I am a woman of strong conviction and tender heart.
There is nothing sexy about "serving" something or someone. I go in day after day to this office where the rewards are pretty few in number. The owners are cheap as hell, and serious racism, nationalism and other stupid 'isms keep me from taking the whole thing 100% seriously. To be honest, I have always worked in a 75% capacity at a job. I have 100% days, sure, but overall I lack motivation to dig in and aim for the 100%+ that fools banter about. This is easy to explain- I'm not paid enough and half the time the people who need to listen are not or they do and then get annoyed at my "wet blanket" attitude. This is what happens when your role in the organization is to tell everyone about the endless list of things that could go wrong. Call it what you will, but I am SERVING this company with all my eagerness.
I still believe that one of the most challenging ways to show love is to tell someone something they don't want to hear. And then to sit there and argue about it with them for a year or so. That takes guts and a thick skin.
If you're hanging around at work and doubting your significance in the universe, continue to do so. It's one of the main things that keeps me motivated. That, and the love and respect of my boyfriend.
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