One thing that used to vex me growing up was this problem of fitting into a larger society. I was growing up in a conservative, Biblebelt area of the U.S. and it seemed that the only three paths I was introduced to were bogus: Beauty pageant; The path of false fundamentalist religion; or the outcast "Freak". It was a quick study: No, no and, "fine, if I must." I didn't want to fit into any box but I recognized that the path I wanted to take fit only one of those which was the "Freak" category reserved for artists, gays, or otherwise moody individualists. We were the precursors to the "Emo" kids of today except we were lonelier and more isolated but we preferred that to the company of the pagaentess or the Jesusfreak.
The reason I bring this up is because there is a population of us ladies who some men (and women) like to characterize as "masculine" women (of course the inverse exists for men). I've had people characterize me in this way since I was a teenager and I've always eventually embraced it. In the beginning I worried about it because I wasn't sure what that meant for (you guessed it) my HAPPINESS in life.
Why did people call me "masculine" or "manly"? Good question! I think it was because of some very basic personality traits: Self-confidence coupled with the unwillingness to give ground to others (particularly men); Minimal interest in fashion, make-up and other wastes of time and money; Just plain not-giving-a-shit about others' opinions or so-called accepted ways of behaving; Not seeking approval; the list could go on but those are some basic ones. Oh, and the ever obnoxious one: Having an f-ing strong opinion on something and being able to argue it. And I guess this was particularly frustrating for some people because I look very feminine and am what is known as "pretty" (slim-ish, long hair, delicate and symmetrical features). Oh! What a disappointment to past hopeful suitors I was!!
At the root of this blog is the question of happiness and what makes us happy. I want to underscore that one major indicator of happiness is the freedom to make one's own choices. Thankfully, as a female born into a certain position in a certain country with certain role models and breeding, I have been able to take full advantage of having choices.
Once I googled "masculine women" and I got all this trash about how women shouldn't be like men, play sports, take risks, oppose their parents or husband- essentially be un-pretty. All this draconian mumbo-jumbo that makes good bedfellows with Islamic Wahhabism in Saudi Arabia- except that it's in the U.S. pedaled by Southern Baptists. Now, I am for people having their spiritual beliefs but my heart goes out to women and men growing up in a society of mental midgets (however small) in the U.S. who will have their happiness cut off (er, circumcised) even before they know it exists. I was smart when I was a teenager- I knew I would get out of a certain limiting society eventually and explore my freedom- and I just tolerated my situation and bided my time until I could leave and experience what I knew was out there.
Let's have a moment of silence to pray for those young people who will never know the happiness that comes from making choices: self-acceptance, self-confidence and trust, taking risks, and most importantly- making mistakes (with it's other side of the coin) experiencing successes! This is our destiny as fully actualized adults who can improve the world in all manner of big and small ways. Man-woman, black-white, gay-straight, animal-vegetable-mineral, all these multiplicities exist for a reason beyond pure science: To challenge us. For those who want to take away the challenge and belittle the richness of difference- you can disagree but get out of my way!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
COME FROM WITHIN
Pursuit of Happiness in Remembrance--Diary from June 2002
"Granddad takes his place up there with Dad."
"The last father who will never meet another man I love."
"I still think of death at happening 6 years ago, not yesterday"
"Big houses with widows"
"I believe that I will lose all I am in touch with now -- the landscape of Tennessee and my mother--"
And now...
What's this block? Living 'under his roof', that's my state. My man is like my father. I don't care what he says, I feel it.
I FEEL IT. It is my own block and what's the remedy (right now, will I milk it for all the melancholy it's worth?)
He isn't here... but he fixed this pen I write with.
I thought today about sitting with my father while he was trying to teach me maths.
I was so intimidated in his presence, his expectations-- didn't want to let him down...wanted to show him I could do the math.
But, when I couldn't, I couldn't just TELL him. I just sat there silent tears would stream down my face and I would feel ashamed on several levels still intelligible to me today.
I would feel ashamed, panicked that I couldn't speak/explain/I wasn't encouraged to...
something desperate about that dynamic -- so desparate I was...
Vater/Tochter
Am I really forever searching for that???"!
It's NOT that simple. I need to acknowledge and act on my own agency. That's happiness-- to do just that
I don't want to just be acted upon or encouraged or inspired or pushed into any one direction. I want it come from within.
What is this new phase now?...
"Granddad takes his place up there with Dad."
"The last father who will never meet another man I love."
"I still think of death at happening 6 years ago, not yesterday"
"Big houses with widows"
"I believe that I will lose all I am in touch with now -- the landscape of Tennessee and my mother--"
And now...
What's this block? Living 'under his roof', that's my state. My man is like my father. I don't care what he says, I feel it.
I FEEL IT. It is my own block and what's the remedy (right now, will I milk it for all the melancholy it's worth?)
He isn't here... but he fixed this pen I write with.
I thought today about sitting with my father while he was trying to teach me maths.
I was so intimidated in his presence, his expectations-- didn't want to let him down...wanted to show him I could do the math.
But, when I couldn't, I couldn't just TELL him. I just sat there silent tears would stream down my face and I would feel ashamed on several levels still intelligible to me today.
I would feel ashamed, panicked that I couldn't speak/explain/I wasn't encouraged to...
something desperate about that dynamic -- so desparate I was...
Vater/Tochter
Am I really forever searching for that???"!
It's NOT that simple. I need to acknowledge and act on my own agency. That's happiness-- to do just that
I don't want to just be acted upon or encouraged or inspired or pushed into any one direction. I want it come from within.
What is this new phase now?...
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Crystal Ball
Fate is a mystical thing. As I mentioned, I'm moving in with Ulster and cleaning up my apartment I come across lose change. Except mine is change from seven countries/ zones:
UAE, Syria, Jordan, Eurozone, US, Morocco, Kuwait
How would I have known 10 years ago that I'd be here and have accumulated such a rich history. Rich, why? Because with every one of these countries, there's this strong, very strong, impression that is truly visceral.
UAE- Dubai, Abu Dhabi, need I say more? OK, it's the power and wealth in sun-scorched environs. But it's also promise and expectations and the slippery slope of lust!
Syria- Phoning up my ex in a hostel in the old city and having him get annoyed; Really the beginning of the end for me emotionally with that one. The deserted Jewish quarter. The markets, the friendly locals and the companionship of a certain diminutive Italian lady.
Need I continue??
Jenius can relate to this. We're both obsessed with memory and passions and epiphanies, an indulgence I only allow myself really when I'm with her or interacting with her. It's a drowning feeling and I have to be in the mood.
So, fate, like I was saying, who would've known that 10 years after I watch the Twin Towers collapse in my mother's den that I would end up over here in the armpit of the Middle East? And that I'd find love here! Sheesh.
UAE, Syria, Jordan, Eurozone, US, Morocco, Kuwait
How would I have known 10 years ago that I'd be here and have accumulated such a rich history. Rich, why? Because with every one of these countries, there's this strong, very strong, impression that is truly visceral.
UAE- Dubai, Abu Dhabi, need I say more? OK, it's the power and wealth in sun-scorched environs. But it's also promise and expectations and the slippery slope of lust!
Syria- Phoning up my ex in a hostel in the old city and having him get annoyed; Really the beginning of the end for me emotionally with that one. The deserted Jewish quarter. The markets, the friendly locals and the companionship of a certain diminutive Italian lady.
Need I continue??
Jenius can relate to this. We're both obsessed with memory and passions and epiphanies, an indulgence I only allow myself really when I'm with her or interacting with her. It's a drowning feeling and I have to be in the mood.
So, fate, like I was saying, who would've known that 10 years after I watch the Twin Towers collapse in my mother's den that I would end up over here in the armpit of the Middle East? And that I'd find love here! Sheesh.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happiness through setting boundaries
It seems that every time I hear someone complain about a relationship (friend, husband, boyfriend, boss) the tension can often be explained by (lack of) communication or otherwise setting boundaries between the two people. I would say that the biggest problem in human relationships is that most of us don't really understand ourselves. Are we really introspective? Are we able to look ourselves in the eye and recognize the fears, limitations, pain, insecurities and other conditions that make us who we are? And then are we able to reveal them to someone we trust?
My personality is one that enjoys revealing herself, even to people I don't trust, and I've had to learn to moderate this exhibitionism. In this case, it's like I'm setting boundaries with myself. I think if you've ever had to discipline yourself, hold yourself back, truly scold yourself for bad behavior, you may have an idea of what introspection really is and how difficult boundaries are to negotiate. I used to make a pastime out of introspection but this can be a tricky thing because I've known people who practice self-delusion as introspection. It's nearly impossible to get someone who is convinced they're in touch with themselves that they are, in fact, a bit delusional.
I also have a desire to please and impress others which has also had to undergo a facelift after I realized I wasn't willing to sacrifice myself on the chopping block of perfection. I'll never be the perfect sister, daughter, wife, mother, employee or other role because I have flaws and weaknesses whether it is a love of the good life, resistance to authority figures, selfishness or others. Recognizing my inability to be perfect is essentially the sentiment that allows me to be frank and to lay bare some of my weaknesses and to say "no" by drawing the line in the sand.
BTW, when I say "perfect", I refer to the unfortunate belief that one can be perfect. Also there is that situation where a person believes they are already perfect (often embedded early on by indulgent parental figures) or when a person believes that we were, in fact, perfect at one point in the recent past. Either way, all are delusions.
So, in case you needed yet another reason to truly look inside yourself and be honest with yourself about who you are and what you need, etc. here it is: HAPPINESS
My personality is one that enjoys revealing herself, even to people I don't trust, and I've had to learn to moderate this exhibitionism. In this case, it's like I'm setting boundaries with myself. I think if you've ever had to discipline yourself, hold yourself back, truly scold yourself for bad behavior, you may have an idea of what introspection really is and how difficult boundaries are to negotiate. I used to make a pastime out of introspection but this can be a tricky thing because I've known people who practice self-delusion as introspection. It's nearly impossible to get someone who is convinced they're in touch with themselves that they are, in fact, a bit delusional.
I also have a desire to please and impress others which has also had to undergo a facelift after I realized I wasn't willing to sacrifice myself on the chopping block of perfection. I'll never be the perfect sister, daughter, wife, mother, employee or other role because I have flaws and weaknesses whether it is a love of the good life, resistance to authority figures, selfishness or others. Recognizing my inability to be perfect is essentially the sentiment that allows me to be frank and to lay bare some of my weaknesses and to say "no" by drawing the line in the sand.
BTW, when I say "perfect", I refer to the unfortunate belief that one can be perfect. Also there is that situation where a person believes they are already perfect (often embedded early on by indulgent parental figures) or when a person believes that we were, in fact, perfect at one point in the recent past. Either way, all are delusions.
So, in case you needed yet another reason to truly look inside yourself and be honest with yourself about who you are and what you need, etc. here it is: HAPPINESS
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