COME FROM WITHIN

Pursuit of Happiness in Remembrance--Diary from June 2002
"Granddad takes his place up there with Dad."
"The last father who will never meet another man I love."
"I still think of death at happening 6 years ago, not yesterday"
"Big houses with widows"
"I believe that I will lose all I am in touch with now -- the landscape of Tennessee and my mother--"

And now...
What's this block? Living 'under his roof', that's my state. My man is like my father. I don't care what he says, I feel it.
I FEEL IT. It is my own block and what's the remedy (right now, will I milk it for all the melancholy it's worth?)

He isn't here... but he fixed this pen I write with.
I thought today about sitting with my father while he was trying to teach me maths.

I was so intimidated in his presence, his expectations-- didn't want to let him down...wanted to show him I could do the math.
But, when I couldn't, I couldn't just TELL him. I just sat there silent tears would stream down my face and I would feel ashamed on several levels still intelligible to me today.
I would feel ashamed, panicked that I couldn't speak/explain/I wasn't encouraged to...
something desperate about that dynamic -- so desparate I was...
Vater/Tochter
Am I really forever searching for that???"!
It's NOT that simple. I need to acknowledge and act on my own agency. That's happiness-- to do just that
I don't want to just be acted upon or encouraged or inspired or pushed into any one direction. I want it come from within.

What is this new phase now?...