In Hot Pursuit

It is a rare thing for me these days to actually sit down and think about the overall meaning of what I’ve accomplished as well as the direction in which I’m headed. Perhaps it’s a testament to how hard I’m working and using up my brainpower to serve this company.

I googled “happiness” today. It was after a day which started off as an elongated sleep till about 10 am, a dusty walk to work for 10 minutes, an interesting discussion with a Texas oil man in Afghanistan, and numerous conversations with colleagues who bring me positive feelings of acceptance and encouragement.

Given the numerous definitions of happiness, it is expected that I shouldn’t be able to find satisfaction with any one of the supposed sources. However, there is one definition which seems to ring particularly true for me which is the one that says happiness comes from service to a cause, an institution, another person, and I think that for me this has been particularly true.

It was Eleanor Roosevelt who said it, stated conviction about service to others. I'm not likely to achieve her accolades, but I am a woman of strong conviction and tender heart.

There is nothing sexy about "serving" something or someone. I go in day after day to this office where the rewards are pretty few in number. The owners are cheap as hell, and serious racism, nationalism and other stupid 'isms keep me from taking the whole thing 100% seriously. To be honest, I have always worked in a 75% capacity at a job. I have 100% days, sure, but overall I lack motivation to dig in and aim for the 100%+ that fools banter about. This is easy to explain- I'm not paid enough and half the time the people who need to listen are not or they do and then get annoyed at my "wet blanket" attitude. This is what happens when your role in the organization is to tell everyone about the endless list of things that could go wrong. Call it what you will, but I am SERVING this company with all my eagerness.

I still believe that one of the most challenging ways to show love is to tell someone something they don't want to hear. And then to sit there and argue about it with them for a year or so. That takes guts and a thick skin.

If you're hanging around at work and doubting your significance in the universe, continue to do so. It's one of the main things that keeps me motivated. That, and the love and respect of my boyfriend.